Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
