Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
