Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
