I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
