Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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