I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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