i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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