then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
