i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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