She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
