She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
