she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
