Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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