Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I had to cum in my sink.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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