it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
