I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
