not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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