I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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