Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
