can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
