i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
