And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
