I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
