I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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