you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
