dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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