Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
