dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
