omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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