Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
