You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
