so let's talk penis.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
