I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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