I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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