I looked at my own cervix.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Are we still banned from the library?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
