I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
