I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
