Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
