i need an iv and a liver transplant
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
