She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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