I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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