I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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