Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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