Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
it hurts more in the daytime
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
