he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
