Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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