He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
