I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
