We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think I just sharted jello shots
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
