Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
