I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
