Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
