genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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