Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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