I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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